Real Time Episode 64

Episode 64 Premiering October 21, 2005
Guests: Arianna Huffington, Tucker Carlson, Michel Martin, Spike Lee, Chris Webber

On a Letter to Valerie Plame

"'You went into jail in the summer. It is fall now. Out west, where you vacation...' See, this is how I know it's bulls***. Who talks like this? If you vacation there, you don't have to say it. It's like bad exposition in a movie. 'Ted, you're my brother.' 'Out west, where you vacation, the aspens will already be turning. They turn in clusters. Because their roots connect them.' I think the source of the leak is Walt Whitman." – Bill Maher

On the New York Times

"The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off the New York Times." – Bill Maher

On Health Care

"You know how many parents in neighborhoods don't let their kids learn to ride a bike, because they're afraid if the kid gets hurt - or to play softball or play sports - because if the kid gets hurt, they can't afford to - you know, they could be bankrupt." – Michel Martin

On the NBA Dress Code

"For everybody to say that it's racist, to me, what you're saying to me is that the black man can't be fresh or fly or can't have a suit on." – Chris Webber

On the Governments Response To Katrina

"There was a hurricane - Betsy in '65 - they felt the same thing happened, where a choice had to be made. One neighborhood - got to save one neighborhood and flood another. Look, if we're in L.A. and there's an emergency situation, we call from Beverly Hills and we call from Compton. Which one is the cops coming to first?" – Spike Lee

On A Conspiracy in New Orleans

"So as you - as you sit here, who is someone who is rich and has options, and are watched by people who are poor and have no options, it seems to me it's your responsibility, your obligation to tell them the truth. And you know the truth, which is, the federal government did not blow up those levees. You don't feed the paranoia and the craziness." – Tucker Carlson

Here is a New Rules by Bill Maher...

All right. Time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules. Let's not get too excited here.

All right. Stop making gum packaging so complicated. Gum used to come wrapped in its own cheap, unfunny comic. Now it comes in air-tight, vacuum-formed, foil-wrapped, blister packages like birth control for astronauts. It's not AZT, it's gum! It's just something for the president to chew when he's not walking. He can't...at the same time...

New Rule: Let Vikings be Vikings. Yes, there's outrage that some Minnesota Vikings may have gone on a party cruise and then...partied. Excuse me, but what's the point of getting your ribs crushed every week if you can't occasionally get blown on a boat? Besides, these are the Minnesota Vikings. They can't always be the ones doing the sucking.

New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another "Rocky" movie unless it's called, "Rocky Dies." Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day quoting "The Terminator." Okay, bad example.

New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay!

And finally, New Rule: Saddam Hussein's trial must be moved to Los Angeles! We are "fiending" out here for our next big celebrity court case! Local news stations are so bored, they've resorted to reporting real news! If we don't get another circus trial soon, Pat O'Brien is going to start drinking again.

So, what do you say, Saddam? Who doesn't want to have their trial in L.A. anyway? It's always sunny. Our juries are stupid. And you can show up in court in your pajamas. You'll love L.A. Most people out here haven't worked in over two years either. And if you find yourself homesick, and long for a filthy spider-hole to crawl into, I'll introduce you to Courtney Love.

But - but seriously, the main reason to have your trial here is, unlike Iraq, we have good Jew lawyers. In Baghdad, they'll say you gassed the Kurds. But that's not the way it'll come out when Mark Geragos or Bob Shapiro is representing you. No, what happened is, you had your Weapons of Mass Destruction with you that night at an Italian restaurant. In the Valley. Where you were dining with the Kurds. Who you love.

Now, you forgot the weapons after dinner, went to retrieve them; and when you returned, the Kurds were already gassed. Saddam, in Hollywood, nobody commits crimes against humanity. That's what a personal assistant is for. Plus, we believe what celebrities say, no matter how stupid. When Iraq invaded Kuwait, you were outside your bunker chipping golf balls. End of story.

And the rape rooms? Please. If you call giving someone at Abu Ghraib a little Jesus Juice and then cuddling with them "rape"...it was milk and cookies; it was charming.

I say, if he's from Tikrit, you must acquit!

In conclusion, the ultimate reason to try Saddam Hussein in L.A. is this: out here, we don't convict celebrities. He'll get off, which is good, because it means the man will be free to get back to work.

People, really, we tried there in Iraq. We really did. But you have to admit, sometimes just needs a "daddy." Okay, an abusive father. Hannibal Lecter. The point is, yes, Iraq was a bad place under Saddam, but let's not throw the baby out with the Baathists. He knows the people. He knows the country. He's tanned, rested and ready. He's had time to think about losing his two precious asshole sons. Maybe he has, dare I say it, grown.

So, what's wrong with giving a sick, twisted, unhinged megalomaniac a second chance? Hell, HBO did it for me! All right, that's our show. I want to thank Spike Lee, Michel Martin, Tucker Carlson, Chris Webber and Arianna Huffington. Thank you, folks. Have a good weekend.