Lucifer Visits With Creator

LUCIFER VISITS WITH CREATOR
by Euclides Pereyra ,Universal Press

Heaven, Universe

In a surprise move, Lucifer Morningstar, self-professed ‘Devil’ and the first of the Fallen Angels, visited the Creator in Heaven yesterday. Although their meeting took place behind closed doors, insiders say that they spent the majority of their time catching up and “knocking back a few.”

As most Judeo-Christians know, Lucifer, also known as Satan, Shaiten, the Devil, the Enemy and the Fallen One, was most likely the first being ever created by the Creator, who we have been told prefers to be addressed as YHWH, or, for those who prefer vowels, Yahweh. Yahweh recounts, “I was a bit bored, I’d thought about everything everywhere twice already, and then it hit me. Boom! I’ll make this thing, give it life, see what it has to say. Boy, was I surprised.” Lucifer, who was created fully conscious, has his own memories of that eventful time. (We’d say day, but those had not been created yet. We are assuming ‘Time’ had.) “I opened my eyes, and there was this old guy with a great smile looking down at me. He was, like, real nice and all, but, I don’t know, sorta pushy.” Perhaps the problems between Yahweh and Lucifer began right there.

Yahweh went on to create more beings, as well as the concept of names, bestowing upon his first creation the name Lucifer Morningstar, based, according to insiders, on Lucifer’s idea to create luminescent, fusion-based balls of gas. Yahweh apparently took that idea and ran with it, gave Lucifer major credit and created the idea of ‘names’ on the side. However, given that the concept of Memory had yet to be fully explored at that time, we are not a hundred percent sure of our sources there.

It was during the creation of the Universe, or Multiverse, depending on the perceptual node of the particular species involved, that tensions began to run high between Yahweh and Lucifer. Again, there is a slight discrepancy between Yahweh and Lucifer’s accounts.

Yahweh: “He got all uppity, high and mighty like, bossing the other Angels around [‘angel’ is usually credited to the Jesus aspect of Yahweh, who is known as the one good with words and wood -ed.] and trying to sit in my favorite easy-chair. [Further evidence that the easy-chair is the greatest of all creations -ed.]”

Lucifer: “Let me tell you, Yahweh was always, ‘Go to that nebula and take some pictures’, ‘go bring light to that benighted cosmos’, ‘no, you do the dishes, I’m the creator.’ It was too much. Just because he was a deity, he felt he was owed. And anyway, I came up with the easy-chair idea in the first place. Even the upholstery! [We could get neither a confirmation or denial on that assertion from Yahweh. -ed.]”

It is agreed that about five (5) billion years ago, just after the planet that would end up being known as ‘Earth’ was formed from the primordial soup of the solar system, Lucifer and Yahweh had their final falling out. Yahweh kicked Lucifer out of Heaven, and sent him down to the planet soon to be known as Earth. Why Earth? Gabriel, third angel created by Yahweh around the time he decided to make Super Strings (believed to be .2 seconds after the ‘Big Bang’), had this to say. “Well, see, Yahweh, being Omniscient and Omnipresent, he’s always running, like, a zillion experiments at once. He noticed that little ball of dirt getting together, and he had some plans for it, something about ‘seeing what happens when I just leave it all alone, get scarce and just mess with their minds’. I guess he figured Lucifer would work well with that.”

Lucifer, for his part, has always maintained that the actual parting five (5) billion years ago was amicable. “Hell, he told me to have fun.” Sources indicate that, once arrived on the cooling ball of molten rock soon to be known as Earth, Lucifer shunted a copy of it out of Yahweh’s approved reality and spiffed it up a bit, leading to the now nearly-universal idea of Hell. Yahweh’s thoughts on the matter: “I thought, hey, that works. Heaven, Hell...what great concepts! And they both begin with H. So, I boosted it up to a cosmic level, sent down some angels and told him to set up shop.”

Since that time, except for a minor meeting between the Jesus aspect and Lucifer on a mountain on Earth, Lucifer and Yahweh have not met or spoken. Until now. In a surprising turn of events, Lucifer appeared at Heaven’s Gate with a basket of ripening fruit and a Bordeaux of indeterminate age, asking to speak with Yahweh. Saint Peter met him at the door, and had this to say, “You know, I always thought he was a jerk. You know, the bad-guy. But, really, he’s a great guy. We swapped tall tales waiting for Yahweh to get back to us, and he just seemed like a nice guy, bit arrogant some times, but hey, he’s the second oldest thing in the Universe, you gotta cut him some slack.”

Once admitted to Yahweh’s house, where the easy-chair still sits, according to reports, in the verandah, it is reported by insiders that Lucifer and Yahweh caught up on events and compared notes on the ‘Earth’ experiment. Although at last count over five hundred trillion sentient souls, encompassing four million six hundred and fourteen different species, surrounded Yahweh’s house chanting, “We want Lucifer!” Yahweh and Lucifer have yet to make an appearance. Our sources claim they are preparing a joint-statement concerning the Earth experiment. This reporter notes that the small number of souls in Heaven from Earth leads this reporter to think that perhaps the experiment hasn’t quite worked out. There is no census information for Hell, do to an unfortunate tendency for census-takers to never return, so we have no information on their soul to species ratio.

Until Lucifer and Yahweh decide it is time for their joint statement, there will be little else to report on here in Heaven, which is, all told, somewhat boring. However, it should be noted that whatever they end up having to say, it can be assumed that the shape of the cosmos will forever be altered. Or, at least, for as long as mortal sentients can imagine forever. And maybe longer.

by Cyberfunk