Real Time Episode 67

Premiering February 17, 2006
Guests: Sen. Russ Feingold, commentator Fred Barnes, actor Eddie Griffin, reporter Helen Thomas, and Iraq advisor Dan Senor.

On the Cheney Shooting

"To the Vice President's credit, he did own up to it. On Fox News, he said the fault is his. He can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing. The only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding 'a smoking gun.'" – Bill Maher

"So many things happened this week. This was a good week for Cheney to shoot somebody in the face, it covered up a whole lot of stuff. The congressional inquiry about Katrina came out this week. They released their findings. They said the White House ignored the warnings, they came in late, and then, of course, they did what any 'small government conservative' would do: they made it a big money grab and inundated the region with bucket-loads of cash." – Bill Maher

On the Press

"I think - I think your criticism is very valid. And that's why I think that it's a tragedy that we've become a country of one-newspaper towns, and newspapers are shrinking; TV gives you a sound bite - you're so right, they certainly don't go into depth. And in the case to the run-up to the Iraq war, my real criticism is that the press rolled over and played dead when they should have been asking questions." – Helen Thomas

On the Patriot Act

"Well, you know, I just decided to read the bill... Of course, you don't read all the bills. But this one, I thought, maybe in light of the fact that it was about a month after 9/11 and the government was claiming these enormous powers, we ought to check it." – Sen. Russ Feingold

On What Bush Rebels Aginst

"Rebelling against Washington. Rebelling against the conventional wisdom in politics. Rebelling against the foreign policy community. Rebelling against the political community in Washington. And rebelling against traditional conservatism. All those things." – Fred Barnes

On the Mohammad Cartoons

"I'm not for any censorship, but I am for some self-restraint, some taste, some sensitivity." – Helen Thomas

Bill Maher's New Rules February 17, 2006

No, let's go to New Rules. How about that? All right, ready? [slide of Olympic luger] New Rule: If you play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you're not an athlete, you're a weight.

New Rule: You're not posing nude unless I can see your genitals. A peek at Scarlett Johansen's rump is not good enough, especially when I've had Jake Gyllenhaal's ass in my face twice this year. Which is weird, because I haven't seen "Jarhead" or "Brokeback Mountain."

New Rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry, Reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for; you can pray for rain. Oh, I'm going to get letters on that one.

New Rule: The Olympics must stop putting on opening ceremonies that make me wonder if someone slipped acid into my drink. I tell you, you watch four hours of skaters with flaming torch helmets racing around interpretive dancers dressed in camouflage condoms, all while people in lederhosen play sixty-foot trombones, and suddenly that-[slide of luger]-starts to make sense.

New Rule: Let Britney be Britney. Darwin's survival of the fittest depends on hillbillies being left alone to do stupid hillbilly things. Like sticking forks in toasters and leaving babies in front seats, and going hunting with Dick Cheney. She's Britney Spears. Of course, she's going to drive with the baby on her lap. We're just lucky she didn't it mixed up with an empty and throw it out the window.

And finally, New Rule: Stop worrying that the government is listening in on your phone conversation. The person you called isn't even listening to your phone conversation. Any American in this day and age who thinks they're not being monitored is so naive and oblivious, I can't believe they're not working already for the Bush Administration.

Which...which is not to say it isn't creepy thinking of Karl Rove monitoring my emails. Which is why all of mine say the same thing: "Hey, did you hear freedom is on the march, and I quit smoking pot?" "Praise Jesus! - Bill."

But the organization that is conducting these wiretaps, the NSA, is a spy agency different from all the others, in that its only function is to listen. You know, like a husband. You know, like a husband!

And if they need to listen to keep a dirty bomb from going off in Long Beach, then I say, "Listen away." All I ask, NSA, is that you don't judge. And more importantly, if you could screen my calls. In fact, just tell everybody I'm not in. Oh, and if I say something funny during one of my phone conversations, write it down and hit me back with an email so I can use it in my next stand-up special.

So, yes, on the downside, our lives here in America are now an open book. But on the upside, Bush doesn't read books! And really, people, if you're so worried about the privacy of your cell phone calls, stop making them when you're in line at Starbucks!

Oh, please, Americans don't want privacy. They want attention! They'll put a camera in their shower and show it on the Internet! To get on television, they'll marry strangers and eat a cow's rectum, and ice dance with Todd Bridges. They're trying to get on a show called "Big Brother"!

We are a nation of exhibitionists from "me" to shining "me." And what we really fear isn't that someone's listening; it's that no one's listening. This whole country is one big desperate cry for somebody to listen to "listen to me, photograph me, Google me, read my blog!" "Read my diary; read my memoir. It's not interesting enough? I'll make shit up!"

You know that I could go on the Internet right now under my alternate screen name, "CherryXXX69," and get complete strangers to email me a picture of their scrotum. I tell you, this country gave the finger to privacy a long time ago.

In fact, I have reason to believe I'm being videotaped right now. Great to be back. Thank you very much. Terrific crowd, terrific panel. Very good. That's our show. I want to thank Eddie Griffin, Helen Thomas, Dan Senor, Fred Barnes and Senator Russ Feingold. Thank you, folks.